Ruins on the Edge of Forever
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: A parody of TOS episode 'City on the Edge of Forever' Warning: Ballet dancing trekkies may have cause to laugh hysterically. NOW WITH DELETED SCENES ADDED! Woot!
1. Chapter 1

Star Trek

"The City on the Edge of Forever"

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Poor me...**

Stardate something or other. The _Enterprise_ is having a hard time steering through massive waves in space while they are orbiting a planet.

"The helm is sluggish, Sir." Sulu frowns and adjusts some dials.

Incidentally, the pretty young woman standing beside Kirk's chair, what is she there for?

Scotty is sitting _on_ one of the work panels, staring over a random ensign's shoulder. "Control circuits threatening to overload, Captain."

Kirk apparently isn't happy about this, because all he says is "Understood, engineer." Ouch.

Another shock waves goes through the ship. "Spock, what's going on?"

"Fascinating, Captain. We are actually going through ripples in time."

Sulu turns to face the captain. "That would be a great name for a rock band, Sir."

The ship, taking advantage of Sulu's distraction, decides to get back at him for calling her helm 'sluggish'. She 'hits' another 'ripple' and sends a massive spray of sparks flying into Sulu's face.

"Aaugh!"

"Sickbay to bridge!"

Scotty smirks and takes Sulu's place. The Redshirts in the background take bets on whether or not Sulu will die before one of them does.

Kirk goes up to speak with Uhura about the crew's gambling problems, ordering her to transmit his logs from the last week to Starfleet Command. He makes sure to hunch his shoulders to keep his head in the shot, since he is just in the background because some stupid producer promised a good close up to the random Redshirt in the front.

McCoy arrives and gasps in shock at Sulu's condition. "My God, Jim! That blast burned nearly all of his blue eyeshadow off!"

Sundry crew members gasp. More Redshirts place bets. The pretty girl in the mini is there holding Sulu's head in her lap. Ahh, _that's_ what she's there for!

"Will he live, Bones?"

"Not sure. Better risk a few drops of cordrazine." He does an eyebrow worthy of Spock and prepares a hypo.

"That's tricky stuff, do you--"

McCoy injects (sprays?) Sulu, silencing any objections.

Sulu blinks. The crew gasps in amazement. Sulu smiles ecstatically, because his blue eyeshadow is now in perfect condition.

McCoy raises his eyebrows. "You were about to make a medical comment, Jim?"

Kirk, knowing his bedtime fun that night depends on his next words, chooses them carefully. "Who, me, Doctor?" McCoy smirks and Kirk sighs with relief.

Redshirts grumpily pass over the money they lost. Uhura smiles smugly and collects her winnings.

Scotty grumbles and refuses to give Sulu back his seat, muttering. "Blue do'n't go wi' his eyes anyhow."

Spock tells Kirk that they are coming up on another ripple. McCoy, whom no one has warned about this, holds a giant hypospray right in front of his stomach. Predictably, the ship rocks and McCoy falls across Scotty, injecting himself.

Scotty screams. "Dear Lord, the Doc'or's commit'ed Hara-kiri!"

Everyone turns to him. "WHAT?"

"HARA-KIRI!" Scotty shouts. "The Doctor's bloomin' killed hisself! Can ye no' SEE? Och, get 'im offa me a'ready!" He shoves the Good Doctor off, onto Sulu, who was still lying on the nurse's lap. _'Resting'_ ... yeah, that's it.

Sulu gasps. "Oh, Doctor, I didn't know you felt that way!"

Kirk immediately spots this and flies over in a jealous rage. "BONES!"

Spock is the first to translate Scotty's speech. "Look Captain, the hypo, it was set for cordrazine, and it is now empty."

"That's wha' I've been _tryin_' tae tell ye, ye great lardbucket!"

"Bridge, medical team! –"

McCoy jumps up and does an excellent _Home Alone_ scream. Both Kirk and Spock jump back and stare at him. "Uhh..."

"AUGH! KILLERS! ASSASSINS!" McCoy screams.

Kirk and Spock try to grab him, but he shows off his new ballet moves and throws them off. "ARABESQUE! POINT! TWIRL AND SPOT!" He leaps into the turbo lift (throwing out the just arriving doctor) and escapes.

"DAMN it! Why do we only have one lift on the bridge anyway!" Kirk growls. "I knew I should have put a child lock on that thing!"

The Credits arrive, and then there is a voiceover of Kirk explaining to the more stupid of the viewers what has just happened.

"– and in a strange, wild frenzy McCoy has left the bridge.." (Here my brother put in, 'a strange wild frenzy for _whom?_')

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

McCoy with crazy red-rimmed eyes sneaks quietly into the transporter room. He smacks the Redshirt present on the butt. The Redshirt, (who is wearing and orange jumpsuit in an attempt to sneak by the Redshirt Statistic Radar) passes out in shock at being hit on by the Captain's boyfriend. McCoy steals the guy's phaser and powers up the transporter with one hand, leaving us to guess what the other hand is doing.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, Kirk is getting frustrated, reiterating the points they've already covered. "McCoy... Crazy.. Injection... loose on ship... Red Alert.. Wild paranoia..."

Spock does his best to convince Kirk that McCoy is gone beyond reason. (His way of saying to the Captain that in case the heating systems suddenly fail during the night, his door will be unlocked.. You know, just in _case_.)

There is a sudden noise, which Kirk thinks is a wolf whistle directed at him from the audience. Turning his rear to the camera (so the whistler can get a better view), he heads to his chair.

The penguin statue on his chair whistles again. A voice belonging to a short, umbrella-and-cigar-wielding person calls out, "Now here this, now here this –"

Kirk slams his hand down on the button. "Dammit, I don't have TIME for random movie crossovers! Where's the message for me!"

The orange speaker cowers for a moment before continuing. "Ahem. Security team found Redshirt collapsed on floor in Transporter room. Evidence of Transporter use is...evident."

"Captain–" Spock cuts in. "The transporters at that time were focused on the center of the time ripples."

"So.. Wherever McCoy beamed down... the thing making those ripples... would be like, right next to him!"

Spock nods, pleased that 1. He didn't have to repeat himself as much as usual to get the point across, and 2. Kirk is now referring to the CMO as 'McCoy' instead of 'Bones'. However, Spock's inner grin disappears when Kirk decides to go after McCoy.

Oooooooooooooooooooooo

**A/N-- so, whadda ya think? this is so fun.. by the way, brownies for anyone who can spot what movie I reference... And for those who don't know, an arabesque (say air-ah-besk) _is_ an actual ballet move, and is actually quite pretty, when it is not a drugged doctor in leather boots doing it...more chapters if y'all like it! please please please review!**

**Allyp**


	2. Chapter 2

Star Trek: The City On the Edge of Forever

**Disclaimer: nope, still don't own it. Neither do I own Batman, the YMCA, or O Brother, Where Art Thou.**

**Warning; some slash, mild language. This is a parody, if you are going to get offended, either leave a horrendously misspelled and outraged flame for me to laugh at, or stop reading it. I took more liberties with this episode then the last one, so bear with me. Also, this is the _ONLY _TOS episode with an away missionI have seen that no Redshirt dies in. (Redshirt Liberation Front, GO!)**

**For those who claim this for their favorite episode, be sure to stretch your eyebrows, because they will be going up and down so much in this you might get a cramp... nothing worse than an irritating eyebrow cramp... don't say I didn't warn you...**

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The Landing party of 6 beam down. Kirk, Spock, Uhura and Scotty are in front. (One must ask _why_ they brought Uhura and Scotty anyway). The two Redshirts in the back exchange glances that clearly say _"Oh shit, we're the only ones!"_

And yes, once again Kirk must hunch down in order to get his humongously inflated head on the screen. The Transporter chief has beamed them down in his favorite formation, ready for them to spontaneously burst into song at any moment. –_(Y-M-C-A, fun to stay at the...)_

An errant breeze blows the one lock of Kirk's hair that isn't gelled down. (He's a Dapper Dan Man). "These runes extend to the horizon."

Spock winces. "Ru-ins, Captain. Ru-ins."

Scotty does worried face #3.4.

"Begin recording," Kirk growls over his shoulder.

Uhura and Scotty exchange glances. _"Recording?"_ Uhura mouths. Scotty rools –pardon me, _rolls_– his eyes in response.

--------------------------------------------

Everyone walks off in some random direction. Redshirt # 7 whispers to Redshirt #7010, "Recording what? Air?" But forgets to duck under the boom mike and caves in his head.

"Damn!" #7010 mutters, handing more money to Uhura, who puts it... somewhere..

Spock tells them all that the suggestively shaped ruins are 10,000 centuries old.

"Dude!" Kirk whispers to Spock, "that's even older than Scotty!"

------------------------------------------------

They walk around the phallic broken columns, to where the interestingly shaped ruin-thingie sits. Kirk mutters something about it 'pulsating with power' and Spock rolls his eyes and makes a mental note to limit the Captain's access to cheesy romance novels.

"Yes Captain, it is operating even now, sending out waves and waves of energy."

----------------------------------------------

Redshirt # 7010 is the smart one, he walks _behind_ Uhura, with his phaser pointed _at_ her. Uhura reports that there is no sign of McCoy.

-------------------------------------------

McCoy pops out from behind a rock, doing his best Smeagol imitation. "Yes, my precious, we wants them! Good Kirk and Nasty old Spocksies, yes!"

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Spock lays his hand on the 'pulsating Ruin'. "It is no machine, Captain!"

"Wow," Kirk thinks for a minute. "D'you think we could bring it back with us?"

"_A QUESTION!" _Booms the Ruin in a metallic male voice.

Spock jumps. "WTF!"

Kirk's jaw drops. "It talks too? Awesome!"

"_SINCE BEFORE YOUR SUN BURNED IN SPACE AND BEFORE YOUR RACE WAS BORN, I HAVE AWAITED... A QUESTION..."_

Kirk asks the most obvious question first. "What _ARE _you?"

"_I AM A GUARDIAN OF FOREVER."_

"What kind of batteries so you take?"

Spock interrupts. "Ahem. Pardon me, but as you can see, the Captain and I are of _different_ races and–"

"_I AM MY OWN ENDING AND MY OWN BEGINNING!"_

Spock looks miffed.

Kirk grins. "Ooo, kinky!"

---------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, McCoy is still doing his Smeagol impression. He bobs up and down behind a wall while Scotty and Redshirt #7010 walk right by. Boy, this Red sure gets around.

-------------------------------------

"A time portal, Captain," Spock mutters.

"_AS CORRECT AS POSSIBLE, FOR YOU. YOUR SCIENCE KNOWLEDGE IS _OBVIOUSLY_ PRIMITIVE_."

"_Really_." Spock frowns at it.

Kirk looks aloofly at him. "Annoyed, Spock?" _(Ok, NOTHING is funnier than that part.)_

Spock quirks an eyebrow.

"_I CAN BE A GATEWAY INTO YOUR OWN PAST, IF YOU WISH."_

Spock and Kirk stare, mesmerized, at the images in the Guardian.

"ARABESQUE!" McCoy, having given up on his Smeagol for the time being, Runs toward the Ruin-thingie.

Uhura, impressively enough, is running after him, faster than both Scotty _and_ #7010, while sticking out her breasts and butt. Which is physically impossible, by the way.

They corner McCoy until Spock does his famed Vulcan Neck-pinch. Scotty meanwhile, is doing the famed Scottish Butt-pinch. McCoy jumps and faints. Kirk gets totally distracted by the flashing images.

"Wow... Spock, look! So that's what the Romans did!"

Everyone runs over to look, because when the Captain says something is cool, it's _cool_, Dammit!

"Guardian, can you change the speed at which yesterday passes?"

"_THAT WAS A TOTALLY LAME QUESTION, BUT I'LL ANSWER IT ANYWAY. I WAS MADE TO OFFER THE PAST IN THIS MANNER. I CANNOT CHANGE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO FIND THE REMOTE."_

Kirk stares at the moving pictures. "Strangely compelling, isn't it?"

Spock scowls. "I am an idiot! Centuries of living history have passed when I could have been recording!"

Kirk turns slowly to glower at him. "I thought you _were_ recording!"

Suddenly, McCoy wakes up. "GRANDE PLIE!" He neatly executes the move, bows and (keeping his back lovely and straight), jumps through the portal. Heh heh. Oops.

Uhura tries to hail the _Enterprise_ and fails. She gives the communicator to _Kirk_ to fix. Why Kirk? The man couldn't even get his _open_ in 'Obsession', not to mention the fact that the chief engineer is standing right behind her! Ahem Anyway, Kirk gives up after realizing he doesn't even know what the buttons do.

"Scotty, fix this!"

Scotty does his magic thing. "Nothin' wrong wi' it, Sir."

Spock opens his communicator. Captain, I am getting no signal."

"_YOUR SHIP IS GONE." _Intones the Guardian.

"McCoy... Changed the past..." Gasps Kirk. He is so shocked that his hair is tousled!

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**A/N-- So, whadya think? I thought this episode would be boring to parody, but in just the first ten minutes I had four pages of material, and they hadn't even gone down to the planet yet... Mwa hahaha!**

**All the writing of 'McCoy' is really starting to annoy me, I keep getting the cC's mixed up.. argh!... also continuing with the ballet moves this chappie, that being M-O-V-E-S, as in something you do, not something you watch... Grande Plie (grahnd plee-ay) is basically a big scootch. very amusing... And I keep hearing it said by my little sister's Russian Ballet teacher, so, Russian accent saying French words... go figure...**

**And thank you to those of you who reviewed, and who put up with the longer than usual wait for this chap. I just got back from a week of getting up at 6:30 (I am NOT a morning person), riding more than an hour in the car, spending all day at camp, then riding more than an hour back home, where we fed the dogs, cats, chickens, ourselves, and collapsed into bed. urgh. But, now the chappie is up, yay! enjoy!**

**Allyp**

**quote for the day: "ARTHUR: I KEEL you at my leisure!" (King Arthur in 15 minutes, by Cleolinda) **

**extra quote for the day:-- "TRISTAN: Also, I have a hawk!"**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer/ A/N – I do not own star trek, O Brother Where Art Thou, Pirates of the Caribbean, Brokeback Mountain, or the massive amounts of blue eyeshadow the cast must have gone through in three seasons of this. If you can't tell, this has been a busy chapter... Kirk fangirls/guys please forgive me... enjoy!**

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Kirk is now recording his Captain's log, with "No stardate". Why is this? Unless I miss my guess, there is still time, it still travels the same way regardless of whether or not the _Enterprise _is in orbit. And how is he making this log, if he has no ship to record it?

Er– _anyway_– Kirk decides that he and Spock will go back in time and try to catch McCoy.

Kirk stares moodily at the Ruin.

Spock pokes him. "Now, Captain!"

They jump through, into the mists, looking for all the world like they are in a music video.

----------------------------------

They come into being in front of a door with a 'Boxing' poster on it. Quickly they step into a corner and Spock discerns they are in the 1930's. A couple of old ladies stop to gawk disapprovingly at them. Spock covers his ears and Kirk leers at the women until they go away.

They wander a bit (Spock, being himself, almost gets run over by a car) before stealing some poor sap's clothing. A random police officer swaggers up and starts questioning them.

Kirk tries to explain... "I can see you are a police officer... As you can see... My friend here is obviously Chinese..."

Spock settles back, knowing that he is going to enjoy this.

"Oh _really_?" says the cop, who seems to be trying for an Irish accent.

"Yes... I see you've noticed his ears... They are actually.. easy to explain..." Kirk turns and looks at Spock, trying desperately to come up with _something_, (much like the author of this parody). "Ah, yes! When he was a boy, there was this unfortunate childhood accident, he caught his head in a mechanical rice-picker–"

"Actually," grunts the police officer, "I was wondering about all that blue eyeshadow... Is he, uh... _with_ you?"

Kirk gives a fake laugh. "Ohh the _eyeshadow_.. Well, that's just to cover up the scars, obviously! And no, no, he's not _with_ me! Of course not!"

Spock's smug expression rapidly fades.

"Ah, of course. Say, I'd probably better check you for weapons, y'know." The cop leans over and tries to...er... cop a feel, getting in a good pinch on Kirk's rear before a jealous Spock intervenes with a neck pinch. Well, more like a shoulder pinch.

--------------------------------------

They R-U-N-N-O-F-T and somehow get into a very dusty and well-lit basement. Spock sulks in a shadowy corner, pretending he's the Phantom of the Opera. I am not sure at this point whether Kirk is Raoul or Christine. But, I digress. Spock quickly emerges however, when Kirk starts changing his clothes. Kirk, in plaid shirt with bottons undone partway, looks quite a bit like a cowboy from 'Brokeback Mountain'.

-----------------------------------

Spock starts complaining that in this "zinc-plated, vacuum-tubed culture" there is no way he can hook up his machinery to find out what McCoy changed in the past. "Yes, well, it would pose an extremely complex problem in logic, Mr. Spock."

Spock turns and scowls to himself. "Damn, he got me again!"

Suddenly a female voice calls out, "Who's there?" and more lights turn on.

Spock runs to a corner and puts his gangsta hat on, "to cover his ears".

Kirk, being the man he is, stands in the middle of the room to wait for her.

A lovely young woman descends the stairway, her eyes locked on Kirk's. The soft focus airbrushes her delicate features into ethereal obscurity.

"We didn't mean to trespass, Miss," Kirk says, using his cheesiest pick-up voice. "It's... Cold outside."

To her credit, the young woman doesn't fall for it.

Spock sulks out to stand behind Kirk, then blinks. "Soft..focus... vision cannot... cope!"

The young woman introduces herself to the two strange men who snuck into her basement as Edith Keeler. For some reason, she offers them a job. Spock promptly agrees for them, saying he needs radio tubes and such for his "hobby".

Kirk claps him on the shoulder. "Very good, Mr. Spock, I approve of hobbies."

---------------------------------------------------

Over dinner Edith Keeler gives a speech to the soup-eating men. We are here given evidence that Kirk is falling madly in lust with her, (big surprise). Eventually Spock gets tired of rolling his eyes at Kirk's appreciative sighs and drags his beloved Captain from the room.

-----------------------------------------

Edith offers Kirk and Spock a "flop", or apartment, where she lives. One can almost see her pinching Kirk's cheek and saying what a cute couple they make.

------------------------------------

In their one-room "flop", Spock has a set-up that would make ET jealous. Random buzzing wires and electric bunny ears cover the table.

"Captain, I need platinum. A small amount will suffice, about 5 or 6 pounds."

Kirk facepalms.

"Captain, I cannot work with stone knives and bearskins."

Kirk sighs and flops down on his bed. (Is it me, or does he seem disappointed that there are _two_ beds instead of just _one_?)

There is a knock on the door, and Kirk jumps up to answer. Spock races to put on his gangsta hat. For his _ears,_ let's remember. It's Edith at the door, saying she found them five hours work if they leave right away. Then she spots the Frankenstein's lab on the table.

"What on Earth is that!"

Spock blinks, trying to get rid of the soft focus. "Yo yo Homie! This be my mad science wiz, yo!"

Kirk chokes and Edith looks mightily confused, in a blurry sort of way. Spock pulls himself together.

"Ahem. I am endeavoring, Madam, to construct a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bearskins."

--------------------------------------

While sweeping the floor at their five-hour job, Spock spots some tools that he later _steals_ from the _homeless_ guy!... "borrows...borrows without permission, but with every intention of bringing them back". This gives Edith an excuse to make Kirk "walk her home".

Spock glares at her when they leave. "Damn soft focus.."

-------------------------------------------

Later, Spock is fiddling with his equipment. He gets in some funky background music, but isn't satisfied with that. On the screen he procured from... Somewhere... there pops up a picture of Edith Keeler. But before he can read much of the lettering underneath, the wires short circuit, singeing his eartips. "Damn!"

Right on cue, Kirk enters, fresh from his 'walk' with Edith.

"Captain, I believe I have found our focal point in time."

"Ooh, look! It's Edith, six years from now!"

"Yes, it seems she was known as a... 'ruthless bi-atch' on a show called 'Dynasty'. And she also led peace talks with the President."

"Wow, I knew she was cool!"

"Captain, I have also seen her obituary. She may have to die for time to be corrected."

Kirk strikes Dramatic/Tragic Hero pose #7.38.

------------------------------------

Suddenly it is very very early morning. Some Random Homeless Guy steals a bottle of milk, then sees McCoy run out of a brick wall in the swishiest way possible. "DEMI PLIE!" Our Good Doctor is looking perfectly dreadful; apparently walking through brick walls is not good for one's complexion.

"YOU!" he shouts at the R.H.G., "What planet is this!"

R.H.G., (who coincidentally is the Union manager for the Redshirts Liberation Front), drops the milk and runs, with Crazy McCoy ARABESQUE!ing after him, shouting.

---------------------------------------

Back at the flop, Kirk and Edith are falling even more in Love... Well, _she's _falling in Love. I won't get into what the Captain is thinking.

-------------------------------------

McCoy has caught the R.H.G. and is still freaking out. He grabs the guy and starts feeling up... his skull? (in all fairness, he starts by squeezing the guy's thighs).

"Where are we... Arabesque... needles..." He passes out.

R.H.G. takes the opportunity to return the attention, under the pretense of picking McCoy's pocket. He finds the stolen phaser and accidentally vaporizes himself. Oops.

Somewhere, in another time and solar system, Uhura smugly accepts more winnings.

------------------------------------

**A/N – Hokay, this was funfunfun... Thank my Dad for Spock's Gangsta line, that was his idea. Heehee... Redshirt Liberation Front Forward!**

**Allyp**

**Quote for the day: "Who are you?"**

"**No one of consequence."**

"**I _must_ know."**

"**Get used to disappointment." **

-Inigo & the Man in Black (aka Wesley),

_the Princess Bride_

**Extra Quote for the day: "I will do him left-handed."**

"**What? Why?"**

"**Because if I use my right hand, it is **

**over too quickly, I am not satisfied."**

-Inigo & Vizzini, about the Man in Black

**and to my dad's friend (the former English teacher) Emily, "Hi!"**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer– I do not own Star Trek:( , Firefly:( , or LOTR:( , or Molly J. Ringle's version of LOTR... So, enjoy the last chapter! **

Kirk walks into the flop, looking for all the world like a gay sailor...or is that redundant? "How much longer till it's fixed?"

Spock's sci-fi collection of tubes, wires and used parts now extends across the room. Of course, it also completely covers one of the beds, which may be why he looks so pleased with himself. He informs his dear Captain that it may be another two days before he can risk checking again.

Kirk sulks.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, McCoy has wandered into Edith's soup kitchen. Spock seems to have temporarily 'misplaced' his superior Vulcan hearing, because he seems not to notice Edith talking to McCoy as she helps him to a back room. Mwa hahahaha!

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Finally, Spock has told Kirk that Edith Keeler needs to DIE, or Germany will win World War Two.

Kirk stands dramatically. The boom mike operator panics, trying to lift the mike fast enough to keep it out of the shot, and the camera man curses at Kirk for the unscripted move because now he has to lift up the camera to keep Kirk's big head in the shot. "Spock, I...I believe I'm in Love with Edith!"

Spock rolls his eyes. "Jim, any moron with eyes could see that. But she must DIE!" (Personally, I think he just likes to say DIE!) Still, Kirk doesn't look as unhappy as he might, since he's had to join Spock in his bed, 'because of all the equipment'.

------------------------------

Bones has woken to find himself lying in a bed. Amazing that he is still dressed in his uniform...bet that wouldn't have happened to Kirk. Then again, our dear Doctor does still look pretty awful.

When he tries to sit up, Edith pushes him back down. "You lie there and save your energy for more important things!"

"Well, young lady! I don't even know you!" however, he does check her out thoroughly before issuing one of his famous "I'm a Doctor, not a..." lines and passing out.

---------------------------------

Kirk and Edith are talking on the stairs. While gazing lovingly into Kirk's eyes, Edith trips and almost falls down the stairs. Kirk grabs her just in time, getting a smooch as a reward. Spock, seeing their adoring glances, sulks back into the flop to play with his toys, sullenly dragging the end of the trip wire he set on the stairs.

---------------------------------

Later that same afternoon, Edith goes back into the room where McCoy is staying. "Ahh, I see you are awake, and looking much better! You were muttering something about 'arabesques' in your sleep, you know."

McCoy must still be suffering after effects of the cordrazine, because he isn't fazed at all by the soft focus. "Well, thank you kindly. I think you should know, I've convinced myself this is all a cordrazine hallucination, because there is no other way I could do a Grand Plie. However, I've decided that you are the only thing around here that's not a hallucination."

"And why's that?"

"'Cause nothing else around here is so damn blurry. So...I was wondering if perhaps there is anything I could do around here to..._thank_ you."(1) He turns on his best 'Southern Gentleman' charm.

Edith looks bashfully down at the floor. "Oh...we can talk about that _later_...I have to go, my young man is taking me to a Clark Gable movie." (Also 1)

"A _who_ movie?"

"A Clark Gable movie." Edith pats him on the arm. "Get some rest. I'll see you _later_." She winks at him.

McCoy grins wickedly as she walks out the door.

---------------------------------

Evening. Kirk is escorting Edith to the movie. They cross the street and almost get run over by a car... Is it me, or is this the same car that tried to flatten Kirk and Spock earlier? Is this vindictive driver _that_ against Kirk dating? A former girlfriend maybe?

"You know, if we hurry, we can catch the Clark Gable movie!" Edith smiles up at Kirk. (One must wonder what they have been doing this whole time, if Edith left McCoy in the afternoon and it is now full dark... or perhaps we should just leave that alone.)

"The _who_ movie?" Kirk shouts, pushing Edith's posterior to get her off the street faster.

"You know, Doctor McCoy said the same thing!"

"What! McCoy!" Kirk shouts, making Edith jump. "Leonard McCoy!"

"Well," Edith answers huffily, "yes, you don't have to shout so–"

"STAY RIGHT HERE! SPOCK! DARLING!" He runs back across the street, shouting.

Spock appears, out of nowhere. (How does he do this? Was he following them?) "What is it Jim–"

"McCoy, he's–"

"Jim! Darling!" McCoy bursts out of the front door, for some reason. He and Kirk run into each other's arms, amid mutual cries of "Darling!"

Spock starts to join them, then remembers that he is a calm and logical Vulcan, and merely hugs Kirk instead.

"Oh Jim!" McCoy cries, "I'm so happy... I could Arabesque!"

Edith meanwhile, is watching this from across the street, fuming. "James T. Kirk!" she shouts, starting to cross the street. "You said it was over between you and Spock!"

Caught in the act, Kirk jumps, and shoves McCoy away guiltily. (He does, really. Poor Bones.) "But, but Edith!"

Then, the car driver with a vendetta revs (her?) engine.

"No Edith!" Kirk shouts, holding still for his dramatic close-up.

Edith hunches her shoulders and keeps going, presumably with an angry expression on her face, though we can't tell through the blur.

Spock winces and turns away, blinking to clear his eyes.

The car driver, who has now acquired a rather large truck, barrels right toward Edith. (So either this person_ is_ against Kirk dating, or couldn't tell through the soft focus that Kirk wasn't there.)

"NO!" shouts McCoy, starting to leap to her rescue.

Kirk grabs him, not daring to look.

A screech and an evil cackle later, Edith is dead.

Kirk scrunches up his face. "Must...Not...cry! Will...smear...mascara!"

"Dammit Jim! You have Spock already, why do you have to be so jealous! I should at least get _one_ girlfriend!"

Spock glares at Edith's body. Deciding that the lack of blurred air around her confirms her death, he turns to comfort McCoy.

Kirk leans against the wall, sniffling. "I will...not...cry!"(What's really running through his head is: "I can see the Emmy now!")

------------------------------------

There is an establishing shot of a blue revolving planet, then we see the smoking Ruin.

Audience members: Ohh yeahh! I forgot about that!

Slowly, Kirk and Spock jump through in unison.

Nitpicking Kirk Fangirls: Hey, why'd the stupid rock put them back in uniform!

Spock Fangirls: That is truly illogical, one would assume that they would be sent through without the uniforms, since they did not have them on at the time...Following this path of logic, we would also assume that since their 1930's costumes would not exist, they would come through bereft of clothing...

pause while they consider this image

Kirk & Spock Fangirls (and guys): Wooohooo! wolf whistle, cheering

Scotty looks at them incredulously. (Kirk and Spock, that is.) "Wha' happen'd Sir, ye on'y left a minute agoo?"

The Ruin spits out McCoy.

Uhura smirks and fans herself with a stack of cash. "They were gone long enough for me!"

Scotty sticks his tongue out at her when Kirk turns to McCoy.

"TIME HAS RESUMED ITS SHAPE. ALL IS AS IT WAS BEFORE. AND NEXT TIME YOU WALK IN, WIPE YOUR BOOTS OFF. THAT SOIL TASTES DISGUSTING, AND I THINK McCOY STEPPED IN SOMETHING!"

Kirk stares sadly at it.

Uhura smiles even wider. "Sir, the _Enterprise_ is there. They're asking us if we want to beam up. Sulu says he's collected the rest of my winnings for me!"

Kirk stares morosely into space, before he realizes everyone is staring at him. He clears his throat to keep the tears at bay. "Let's get the hell out of here!"

They move back into their YMCA positions and beam up, leaving the Ruin alone. Again.

"WELL," it intones sulkily, "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I INVITE _THEM_ OVER."

-----------------------------------------

Epilogue

Back on the ship, everything is normal again. Uhura has received her winnings from a reluctant Sulu, and invested them in the Redshirt Uniform Company, whose value has already gone up to double her purchase price.

Kirk, having been given waterproof mascara by Spock, is now over Edith.

Spock and McCoy have come to an agreement on their mutual disgust at Kirk's excessive dating tendencies, and are having long discussions on the probable effect of the Transporters on the Captain's emotional state. (Meaning that whenever he falls in 'love', it just takes the transport back to the ship to make all well again.)

The entire crew seems to have forgotten about the 'ripples in time' that they had to investigate, and so they go merrily on their way to the next adventure, which apparently is something about flying furred manta-rays which cause Spock to go blind.

End.

**A/N – (1) after a line means it's an actual quote**.

**Actually, Kirk elbows Spock rather forcefully out of the way in the hugging scene. Poor Spock has to settle for a handshake...**W**hile we were watching 'Obsession' the other day, my little sister complained that McCoy's eyebrows don't match his hair. Did anyone else notice this?...About the 'flying furred manta-rays', The preview of the next episode on my tape is for 'Operation-Annihilate', in which the creatures look like wobbly, fur-covered pancakes and squeak like squirrels when they fly at you...were the creators running out of ideas, or what? So, what didja think? This was another fun episode, with a surprising amount of parody-material in the first few minutes, before they even get to the planet!** **This is the last chappie for this parody :( so sad...**

**Quote for the day: "You two are gonna stay on board the ship. The Captain don't want you runnin' afoul of his blushin' psychotic bride."**

– Jayne Cobb, in _Firefly_

**Second Quote for the day:**

"**ISENGARD  
GANDALF: Hello, old friend.  
GANDALF hops down from his horse and gives SARUMAN a big wet kiss.  
SARUMAN: Eck. You taste like hobbit. Come in and let me fix you a drink. An Eeeeevil drink. I mean, no, just a regular drink.  
GANDALF: I could use a drink. Thanks!  
WIZARDS go inside. SARUMAN seduces GANDALF and then knocks him out and locks him on the roof, for though they once were the hottest of Wizardly lovers, SARUMAN is now Eeeeevil and is only putting out for truly gross-looking MINIONS. Come on, we all fast-forward this scene anyway. Moving on...**"

– From the 'All Slash, All the Time' version of LOTR, by Molly J. Ringle ... ;) I love being eeeeevil...


	5. What happened in the Lift?

A/N -- Here is the first deleted scene, it takes place just after McCoy has been shot up with cordrazine on the bridge, the beginning few lines are taken from the fic...enjoy!

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...Spock is the first to translate Scotty's speech. "Look Captain, the hypo, it was set for cordrazine, and it is now empty."

"Bridge, medical team! --"

McCoy jumps up and does an excellent _Home Alone_ scream. Both Kirk and Spock jump back and stare at him. "Uhh..."

"AUGH! KILLERS! ASSASSINS!" McCoy screams.

Kirk and Spock try to grab him, but he shows off his new ballet moves and throws them off. "ARABESQUE! POINT! TWIRL AND SPOT!" He leaps into the turbo lift (throwing out the just arriving doctor) and escapes.

The turbo lift starts and hums downwards, even though McCoy has not yet stated a destination. The good doctor stands calmly with his hands behind his back, humming. Until the Muzak starts, that is.

'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' as translated by the New-Age Klingon band KillSlayKill fills the lift. (Music supplied by Chekov, of course, because "The Klingons were a Wussian inwention, Sir!")

McCoy hums to the tune and taps his toes. Then he bounces on his toes a little and 'la de da de da's some. Finally he can't stand it any longer, and leaps in the air. "ARABESQUE! LA De Da De DA! ARABESQUE! GRANDE PLIE! Leap! Right, twirl! Leap! "

Redshirt #435, (Ensign Roberts to his friends) is on deck 12, waiting for the turbo lift so he can go to dinner. The lift flies by, rudely, without even pausing as a courtesy. From within, Redshirt #435 hears several thumps, and shouts of "DEMI PLIE! Yes, left, FASTER!" before it zooms by. Ensign Roberts clears his throat and heads to the other lift, making a mental note not to use _that _one until after the cleaning crews have been through, and wondering which type of green alien babe had beamed on board the Bridge this time.

As The Sugar Plum Fairy finally draws to a close (with much banging of drums and crashing of swords), the lift gets to the very last deck, at the very tippy bottom of the _Enterprise_. The doors slide open and McCoy stops, panting... Then grins and picks the second-farthest destination he can think of. "Transporter room."

The last thing to be seen of the good doctor is the unhinged twinkle in his eyes as the doors close and the Muzak begins.

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A/N – My Dad put it to me the other day that Spock calls the Ruins "10,000_ centuries_ old." 10,000 _centuries_, which equals one million years...What, did he think it would sound cooler if he counted by centuries? Did he want to appear more knowledgeable? And is that really the logical thing to do?

But anyway, my Mum read this and asked me, "Is there really banging of drums and crashing of swords at the end of The Sugar Plum Fairy?" and I said "No, Mum, that's just because it's the _Klingon_ version of the Sugar Plum Fairy."... -g- although like she said in her defense, there are battles in _The_ _Nutcracker_. On my computer, I have the Klingon band's name in Klingon script, but it didn't convert to the document... --pouts--

Yes, I said I have Klingon script on my computer...but I blame my Dad for that one .. ;)


	6. Uhura's Plot, or, the Redshirt in Orange

Ever wonder why there was an orange-clad redshirt in the transporter room, and why exactly the transporters were set for the ruin? here is a guess as to the reason:

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Earlier that week, Lt. Uhura called Redshirt #46, (Johnson to his friends) to her room. With a silky smile, the Lieutenant gestured for him to sit. "I have a proposition for you. You've been selected for a very special mission, if you choose to accept it. Care to hear?"

Johnson, having heard rumors about Uhura's lucky predictions on the Redshirt death rate, nods eagerly. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Well then, I'm glad to hear it. You do this for me and I'll help you avoid the Scourge of the Redshirt. Deal?"

"Yes_ Ma'am!_"

----------------------------------------

And so Johnson, dressed in an orange jumpsuit Uhura had obtained from...somewhere, carried box after box to the transporter room, hiding them under a moveable floor-panel until the day of reckoning. Three days later, the ship was rocked by waves of time, put off by something on a planet's surface. Johnson knew this was his cue. Sneaking into the transporter room, (still in orange, to avoid being killed on the way), he began to set things up. He knew Uhura would be watching on the intercom system (how, he didn't know) so he took the greatest care possible.

Following the instructions given him, he set the transporters to the source of the ripples of time. Beaming down two loads of six boxes each, he finishes and replaces the floor panel. Three boxes of the finest Klingon Mead, and nine boxes full to the brim with years' worth of 'Playrock of the Month' Calenders from five different Solar Systems. Now, the plan _was_ for Johnson to beam down after the boxes and obtain an information list from someone on the surface, then bring it back to Uhura, but fate intervened.

Dr. McCoy, high on some sort of something-or-other from the medlab, _leaped_ into the transporter room, spotted Johnson, and slaps him on the butt. Conveniently, as Johnson was wearing the orange jumpsuit, the Redshirt Statistic Radar passed him by and he only fainted from the shock of being hit on by the Captain's "friend".

------------------------------

In a hastily called meeting, Redshirt #46 trembles before Uhura. "I'm sorry! It all happened so fast! One minute I had just beamed down the boxes and as I was setting up to beam down, he came up and surprised me! The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor with my phaser and belt gone, and surrounded by security guards!" Johnson covers his eyes in disgrace. "Thankfully they didn't recognize me in the orange. What do we do now?"

Uhura taps a perfectly manicured fingernail against the table. "Hmm...Don't worry Johnson, I know you did your best. You kept your part of the bargain, I'll just have to go down and collect the information list myself. Send word to Scotty that I'll be joining the landing party and you can be finished. I'll set your name on the 'Do Not Kill' list first thing when I get back."

-------------------------------------

Scotty, getting the message from Uhura, rolls his eyes, and grumbles something incomprehensible, the gist of which is that now there will be one less Redshirt in the landing party to divert any monsters' attentions. "I dinnae what she's up to..." is heard by the three nervous Redshirts in the room with him. Scotty looks them over, then points to the middle one. "Ye can go hoome fer now, laddie."

The Redshirt jumps up and down, clapping his hands, until he gets control of himself. "Yessirthankyousir." Clearing his throat, he runs from the room, nearly knocking Captain Kirk over at the door.

"Well, glad to see _someone's_ happy," the Captain grumbles to his Engineer. "Are we ready, Scotty?"

"Aye, nearly, Sir. Jus' waitin' on one noo."

Kirk automatically looks to Spock to decipher this.

"Nearly ready, Captain."

Right on cue, Uhura steps in, tricorder in hand. She smiles cheerfully at the group. "Here I am, Captain."

Kirk is in such a state over losing McCoy that he doesn't even notice her. Spock is in such a state over Kirk sulking that he fails to comment on the illogic of bringing a communications officer to a rescue mission.

Scotty sighs and shakes his head.

-------------------------------------------------------

After Kirk and Spock disappear through the ruin, Scotty leads the two Redshirts in a game of rock-poker, and Uhura sits to have some quality time with the Ruin. The Ruin has agreed to the price of three boxes of Klingon Ale and the boxes of Playrock Calenders. Therefore it gives Uhura twelve minutes to record history on fast-forward, for devices only known to herself.

Given warning by the Ruin that Kirk, Spock and McCoy are being transported back, the crew has time to get back into their original positions and put on their innocent looks, Scotty handing Uhura the wager money he owed.

Kirk, moping because his girlfriend died, sulks out of the Ruin. Spock, just behind him, looks pleased with himself that Edith is gone, (though perhaps not as happy as he would have looked if McCoy was gone too). And McCoy follows closely, looking as though he's doing his darndest not to Arabesque.

-----------------------------------

A/N-- Mwa ha ha... Plots abound! I swear, Uhura really does know everything...by the way, here is an advert that I thought y'all might appreciate. ;) And thanks to my Dad for the ideas for this bit, (he really ought to have his own file!) and to my Mum for proofing it, (along with all the other chapters of all my stories...poor Mum) --Allyp

----Is your tummy looking a little round? Do you want to inspire your Captain in his latest weight-loss program? Buy the new "Dance McCoy, Dance" -only on h.o.s. and g.u.m.- And get the workout of your life!! Our own ship's surgeon demonstrates the moves that won him the CMO and 'Captain's Man' positions, including the legendary "Arabesque!" which caught even the Science Officer's eye! Order now and get a pair of pink leather ballet slippers absolutely FREE!----


	7. Baloney

A/N --Just before Edith sees Spock's 'mnemonic memory circuit' contraption in the flop, Kirk brings in a bag of groceries, including "Baloney on a hard roll for me, and assorted vegetables" for Spock. Y'know how it seems like everywhere you go, there are people who look and act, even dress like the people you know? Well, maybe it really is a small galaxy after all...--

Disclaimer-Nope, still don't own it.

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Kirk strolled down the street in his stolen clothes, whistling in a jaunty sort of way. Edith liked him enough already to give them a place to live that was conveniently near her apartment. With the Captain's track record, this meant that by tomorrow he would have a key to _her_ apartment as well. Things were going quite well for the Captain of the Federation's Flagship. Now, if only there wasn't this little detail of Bones destroying their past...

"I know Spock's gonna want friggin' _platinum_," he muttered to himself as he entered the grocer's. "Well, he's just gonna have to find some himself." He winked at the long-haired Asian girl stacking bags of sugar, and sauntered down the aisles. He, 'digressed', a young blond woman with a bad hairstyle from her path with his...charming smile and...ready wit. After they had come to an end, he turned to see (to his surprise) that the Asian girl he'd winked at was not in fact a girl, but a young man with a wide smile on his face. Quickly dodging the man's amorous intentions and open arms, he ran out of the shop and into the one across the street.

In this one, a man with a clumsy Southern accent was arguing loudly with an attractive dark-skinned woman in a red dress. Kirk winked at her as he walked by, making quite sure_ first _this time that she was actually a woman. He got some vegetables for Spock, wondering as he left the grocer's if he could ever convince the man to try something besides salad. "There's nothing like good, red meat," he said to himself as he found a butcher shop. The man behind the counter gave him a strange look. "Do you sell baloney here?" Kirk asked.

The man rolled his eyes. "Aye, that we do."

"Good, then it'll be baloney on a hard roll for me, my fine man."

"I'm afraid ye'll have tae goo out back fer somethin' like that, Sir." The butcher said, winking.

Kirk blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Baloney on a rool 'tis Sir," the man answered, hurrying to fill his order.

Kirk noticed that the butcher was missing a finger on his right hand, and resolved to check his baloney thoroughly before eating. As he left the shop, Kirk was amazed by how popular a color red was for men in this day and age. Blindly he avoids the open manhole that one man wearing red just fell into, and jumps as another across the street is flattened under a runaway piano. "Huh," he mutters. He carries his bag of groceries (assorted vegetables and baloney on a hard roll) back to the flop he shares with Spock. Wondering if there is any way he could convince his Science Officer that the second bed was entirely unsuitable and they would have to make due with one, he doesn't notice as two more men in red clothing get obliterated in peculiar ways. (A killer-rabbit attack for one and a swallow dropping a coconut onto the other).

Kirk walks into the flop to see Spock almost buried behind a mass of sparking wires and glass tubes.

"Captain, I need platinum."

Kirk facepalms.


End file.
